First Page Feedback – True Dreams

Our next First Page Feedback is for True Dreams — aimed at Superromance by Kari Lemor (@KariLemor)

TRUE DREAMS
Prologue

The bottle was empty. Damn!

True Bannister stretched his arm out and relaxed his fingers. The bottle dropped onto the
plush carpet with a dull thud. He shifted in bed trying to remember last night. Obviously it
involved the bottle of Chivas Regal he’d emptied.

He swung his legs out from the sheet and planted them on the floor, his head spinning
slightly. He sat for a minute taking inventory. He was naked and there were at least a half dozen used condoms littering the bed and floor.

He chuckled dryly remembering the sisters he’d been with last night. They were the ones
who’d presented him with the bottle of scotch, then presented him with their well-endowed breasts. He’d thoroughly enjoyed both.

He crossed the room and picked through his dresser for a clean pair of shorts. Good thing
the housekeeper was due in today. He was down to only a few pair. He glanced around the room and saw the chaos they’d created last night. Everything on his dresser had been swept off so he could screw the blond sister up there. Twice. He’d done the one with the red hair on his desk and up against the wall. Oh, and bent over the chair by the sliding door. He couldn’t forget that time. She’d been a real hardy one.

The sheets on the bed were falling off, highlighting that the girls had reciprocated the
pleasure he’d given them. And they’d done it together. He snickered remembering how skilled they’d been. Only a small patch of the sheets were still on the bed where he’d pulled them to cover himself once he’d kicked the girls out. His father had always taught him to take what he could but don’t let them stay. They’d think they were something special afterwards and want more. He wouldn’t mind more of the sisters right now, what were their names? Something rhyming? Sandy? Candy? Mandy? Didn’t matter. There were always more where they came from.

Being the son of Abe Bannister, the lead singer for the rock group Python, certainly had
its benefits and he took full advantage of them. His father had enough groupies to populate a large city and then some. He’d shared many of them with True over the years and last night had been no exception.

Python had done a small venue right here in LA for charity and the after party had moved
to their Malibu mansion. As it always did. He’d been celebrating the life of a musician since he was in diapers.

He sat on the edge of the bed to slip his shorts on, admiring the snake tattoo on his right
thigh. It was Python’s trademark and he’d gotten it on his sixteenth birthday. His eighteenth was only a few months away. He’d been hinting to his parents that he wanted a Maserati. He hoped they didn’t disappoint him.

 

Here’s the feedback from Piya Campana!

This first page does well in setting the scene and tone of the story. We get the sense right away that the hero, True, has had life handed to him on a silver platter for the entirety of his young life, and this introduction to him prefaces a variety of possible ways this story could go. The first scene indicates that this story could play off of the bad-boy-redeemed hook, which is popular, and the fact that it is set against a gritty-but-glamourous rock star life backdrop is intriguing, as well.

Be sure to give enough detail so that readers aren’t distracted trying to fill in the blanks—when True refers to the women he slept with as “sisters,” does he mean they’re related? And since True’s dad has been sharing his groupies with his son “over the years,” does that mean True started having sex when he was a young teen?

In terms of fit in the Superromance line, if the hero’s age in the rest of the story is the same as it is in the prologue, he’s much younger than what is typical. Usually, Superromance heroes and heroines have had significant life experience, perhaps even more than one serious relationship. While this doesn’t mean they need to be in their thirties or forties, anything younger than their twenties would be too much of a stretch.

Of course, this prologue could take place years ago, with the rest of the story taking place present day. If this is the case, the prologue gives us a sense of some personal obstacles True has as a result of his background, but also shows that perhaps he isn’t  necessarily aware of them—a sense of entitlement, a bit of ego and skewed priorities. Should be interesting to see how his unique upbringing influences his relationships and helps bring about his happy ending! 

Thanks, Piya–and Kari! 

18 replies on “First Page Feedback – True Dreams”

Thanks so much! Yes, the prologue starts ten years before the actual story, showing you what True was like. Events happen to change him drastically (which you see later in the chapter). Thank you for the feedback. I do have the other details you wanted later in the scene but not right away. I appreciate your taking a look and commenting.

Nice to see a bit more of this story. He really did enjoy himself. Such a bad boy. I was a bit confused on the reciprocated line but other wise it flowed beautifully.

This is such a great opening. Even if I didn’t know what happens after this part, I’d still buy it. You did a good job relaying the mindset of a privileged, spoiled young man. I love all the details you managed to include in such a short segment. Awesome job!

Kari,

This story really intrigues me. True is a complex character and I can’t wait to see more! Nothing that you had in the prologue confused me. I just wanted to to continue reading.
Looking forward to seeing this published!

Hugs,
Tambra

Wonderful opening! Lots of redeeming to be done with his character and I’m looking forward to reading how it all comes about.

Love the ‘life in the fast lane’ angle. True has certainly grown up quickly! Very interesting opening, Kari ~ nice job! 🙂

Hi Kari,
A great opening page.
I did balk a bit when he was under eighteen, then remembered it was a prolog. I am not sure if it is the right thing to do but you could head it ‘Prolog – Ten year ago.’ Then when you get to his age, it immediately gives you a time frame for True in the story. Straight way you melt… twenty eighth birthday looming, bad boy teen grown into hot hunky hero…yes please.
You have me wanting to read more. Thanks.
Brenda

Thanks Brenda, I did think of that but the story is still a WIP so didn’t bother with the ten years ago stuff. Glad you like.

This opening does everything I want an opening to do. Not only does it tease the imagination with some very steamy imagery, but it also introduces me to a character that interests and intrigues me enough to want to know more. A lot more. I’d love to read more about True and where his journey takes him – from entitled son to (hopefully) a man deserving of a happy ending.

Thanks!!

The opening is great Kari, though I didn’t expect him to be quite so young. Kids today. lol Nicely done

now that was an opening and i really wanted to read more. i did think oh 18 was a bit young but of course this was a prologue good luck hope to read the finished product one day

Good opening, Kari. Although he doesn’t come off likable, you just really want to know more! Hope to see more of this.

I liked it. A bit of overwriting in places needs tweaking, but that’s no big deal. I overwrite and then know I need to keep going back and tweaking until there aren’t unnecessary words. Great use of POV and description. His age did surprise me. I agree with the editor on that. But, it’s okay now that I know it’s a prologue. I can tell by your writing that all you need now is to send your manuscript across the desk of an editor who is looking for what you are writing. It’s very professional. And here’s a LOL for you. In the editor’s critique, she used substandard English in one place. She used the phrase “off of” There is no phrase “off of” in English. You can use “off” or you can use “of” but you can’t use “off of”. Anyone who doesn’t believe me can check out a junior high English grammar book.

What a sexual animal LOL! I found the ‘sisters’ bit a bit odd and the overall feeling of an oversexed young man was overwhelming, especially since he’s supposedly younger here. I have to admit though, that I’ve not read a Super Romance yet, but this piece was definitely interesting. All the best.

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