Our Harlequin/M&B Medical Romances are popular all around the world. With high-stakes emotion and action, it’s easy to see why! Here’s a submission from @abbey_Macinnis1
“Where’s she off too?” Jeremy watched with concern as a young woman ran across the road, straight into the path of the ambulance.
From her place behind the wheel, Debbie jabbed the horn and slammed on the brakes. “I don’t know why people are in such a hurry. Seems like all we do is rush.”
Jeremy quickly took in the young woman’s appearance. She seemed preoccupied, her clothes disheveled and unkempt. She remained in view until she cut through the alley on the opposite side of the street. “Maybe we should go after her,” he suggested. “She didn’t look well.”
Debbie guided the vehicle around the corner into the fire station’s parking lot. “I’m sure she’s fine. Probably running late or something. That’s how most teenagers are these days.”
Jeremy kept one ear open for Debbie while he scanned their surroundings. He spotted what appeared to bee a rapped bundle on the lawn. His heart rate quickened and palms grew damp when he observed the edges of a blanket fluttering in the dry, hot breeze.
It can’t be.
Jeremy hoped his suspicions were wrong. A baby could die in this July heat. He forced down the rage at someone for leaving a defenseless child to the elements and allowed his medical training to kick into high gear. Whomever had abandoned this baby had left them in the right place where they’d be found and cared for.
“Stop.”
Adrenaline powered through him. Before the vehicle came to a full halt, Jeremy threw open the door. He jumped to the ground and sprinted to the grass.
Debbie followed on his heels. He dropped to his knees inches from the blanket. His partner’s shocked gasp barely registered as he steeled himself to push back one corner to peek inside.
His breath caught in his chest as his gaze collided with the glossy, unfocused stare that reminded Jeremy of another time and place and baby.
The baby omitted a weak cry. “The note here says his name is Collin.” Debbie brought him back to the present.
Jeremy gave a mental shake as with a detached air, he cataloged Collin’s symptoms. “The little guy’s only hours old and dehydrated and hypothermic.”
And near death’s door if they didn’t hurry to get him oxygen and fluids. He didn’t need to spell out the obvious to Debbie. They’d worked together long enough to know what the other needed.
He willed his grip to remain steady as he carefully bundled Collin in his arms. He pulled in a silent breath as he struggled to keep the dark memories of that horrible night at bay. That night where he’d lost all that had mattered to him. Clara and their baby were gone. Even after two years, guilt of losing them still made his chest ache.
First Page Feedback from the HMB Medical Team
We really enjoyed reading your submission, and it certainly has a dramatic beginning, and great last line! The writing is pacy and readable and we wanted to read more and find out both about Jeremy’s background and what was going to happen to the baby.
However, here are a few things you might like to consider which might make this beginning even pacier.
It is a great hook to have the ambulance nearly crash at the beginning, but we think it might be even more dramatic if the ambulance screeches to a halt and then your hero reacts. It would be nice to see the woman look up, perhaps in horror, before running off, and while they could consider following her, for the purposes of the story, it would probably better if they are immediately distracted by the baby, then realise they have just seen the mother running away.
You might also like to consider showing a short flashback from Jeremy’s past, so the reader gets some insight why him finding the baby is so significant.
On more specific details we wondered if the baby would be suffering from dehydration and hypothermia at the same time.
Also we felt that Jeremy wasn’t a very sexy name for a hero, so you might want to look at that too.
On a very minor point, “bee” is a typo, as is “rapped” and “omitted” and others.
This was a good attempt and there is much to like here. Unfortunately, it isn’t quite yet at the standard we require, but we are enclosing some guidelines for writing Medical Romance which may help you.
5 replies on “First Page Feedback – The Paramedic’s Precious Bundle”
Thank you so much for your valuable feedback. 🙂 You’ve given me much to consider.
Finally, a medical romance!
Hi Abbey,
I loved your first page. I thought the hero should have acted faster when he first saw the baby, rather than going back into the past. ‘Debbie brought him back to the present.’ But other than that, it was enjoyable to read. All the best.
Great beginning! Struck a chord, since there was a story on the news just a couple weeks ago about a teenaged mother abandoning her baby at the side of the road. Thankfully, that story ended well, as I’m sure yours does. I did wonder about hypothermia, since it was hot and dry weather, but dehydration would probably be dangerous enough by itself for a newborn. Keep at this – you’re on the right track! 🙂
I think this was a great start – there’s a lot packed in there. Would love to read it after you’ve incorporated the feedback – especially upping the drama with the almost-crash.
If a body is hot, the correct term is ‘hyperthermia’. Hypothermis is related to the lowering of core temp.
However, a newborn’s thermo-regulatory system is undeveloped, and I’m not certain what the symptoms would be in this case. I think you might need to consult a paediatrician for the exact details.
Good effort though.
Comments ( 7 )
I spent the entire shutdown working. Had no time to wind down. I didn’t see my son much when school shutdown. My one co worker was told to stay home for 3 weeks so I picked up her hours. This year has been really crappy.
Ugh, Janell. Here’s hoping the rest of your summer is better.
Thanks for the info, Carol! Everyone is different in how they deal with the shutdown! I stay at home all the time since I don’t work so I haven’t been too effected but my shopping and errands sure have been effected!
Valri, I’ve been doing most of my shopping online. My local Target is still low on some items – mostly cleaning supplies. Grocery store is pretty much back to normal. Most of the dining in our town is outdoor. I can’t imagine have school-age kids!
Wow–getting your creative process on track must have been daunting–especially with “extra-large dog” glad to have you home. You don’t like coffee–I love coffee and have enjoyed my fortifying 2 cups in the morning even more than usual! How as COVID affected your story lines and characterizations? Best Wishes for all releases!
Interesting question, Virginia. You’ll have to tell me if the tone of my “COVID” books changed any! LOL
Life has changed so much! My dad passed Feb 2. The assisted living facility my folks were at went into hardcore lockdown the beginning of March. Mom couldn’t leave her apartment for 4 months! She was on the third floor, Will be 89 in two months & doesn’t use the phone. My husband and I remodeled the lower level completely and moved her in with us July 1. What a life change and difficult transition for the 3 of us! But we’re working thru it!