First Page Feedback – Kidnapping the Wrong Groom

Here’s an exciting story from Siren Allen! It’s aimed at Nocturne.

“What do you mean you messed up? How could you’ve possibly messed up? This is the
simplest mission you’ve ever had.”
Katania held the phone away from her ear while her cousin continued to yell at her. So she
messed up. They’d all done it at one time or another. It was a simple mistake and easily

“Listen, Jaslyn, I promise to get the right guy.”

“But will you have him here on time for the wedding? Felicity is already a nervous wreck.
She trusted us to get this done and you’ve gone and kidnapped the wrong man. Who does

“It’s not like I did it on purpose. If Felicity would’ve given me a better description maybe I
wouldn’t have gotten the wrong person.”

“How more descriptive could she be? She told you he was tall with brown hair and would
be wearing a red blazer. He was supposed to meet her in the hotel lobby at seven.”

“Well, apparently her fiancé wasn’t the only tall white male with brown hair wearing a red
blazer in the lobby at seven.” Katania stared down at the unconscious male at her feet. His
blazer was more burgundy than red. Damn it.

“Well how do you know it’s not him?”

“I checked his wallet. This guy is Jacen Tynes.”

“Kat, if you don’t show up here in twenty four hours with Eric Dixon, the correct groom,
Felicity is going to kill you.”

“Chill out and stop being a drama queen. I will be there. I’ll just go back down to the lobby
and see if he’s still waiting there. In the mean while what am I supposed to do with this other guy?”

“Where is he?”

“He’s lying on the floor.”

“Is he dead?”

“Of course he’s not.” Kat nudged him with her foot. No response. “I don’t think he is.”

“Are you going to kill him? I mean if he saw your face….”

“No, I’m not going to kill him.” Why did people always assume she was going to kill
somebody? One misfire and people began labeling you as an assassin. “I don’t think I am. He didn’t see my face.”

“So why is he laying on the floor?”

“I sort of knocked him out.”

“You sort of knocked him out? Okay.” Jas took a deep breath. “Well sort of get rid of him
before he wakes up.”

“Will do.”

“And find Eric as soon as possible. Please do not knock him upside the head. There is no
need for force. Felicity confessed to me that she told him everything, so all you have to say is you’re Felicity’s cousin and you’re there to take him to her.”

“She did what?” This whole situation was turning into a fiasco.

“Yeah, I know. I’m pissed at her too.”

“Why would she do that? There are already people out looking for her, dangerous people.
Why would she reveal her true identity to anyone?”

“She’s in love.”

“Love? We don’t do love.”

Feedback from Mary-Theresa Hussey

This was certainly a lot of fun to read! The dialogue was intriguing and the situation even more so! I would definitely turn the page to see what’s going to happen next!

The potential conflicts–kidnapping, not doing love, someone after Felicity and the heroine’s…interesting past–are hinted at in a way that makes a reader want more. 

A minor point, but having a Jaslyn and a Jacen might get confusing. Especially if they also go by Jas (as she does) and Jace (as he might).

Too, it all depends on the context and the full story, but one hallmark of Nocturne is strong, alpha heroes along with the paranormal elements. We don’t get the paranormal here, but that’s okay–it’s the first page, and the name choices and situation do let us know that it’s not your average story!

However, if Jacen is the hero, one thing to watch out for is to wonder how the heroine was able to kidnap him/knock him out. Even if she has skills and past experience, it could be a problem to have the hero incapable of protecting himself. 

Other than that, though, I thought it was a fun, fast-paced opening, with strong dialogue and an appealing opening. Definitely a successful one. 🙂

Good luck with the rest!