First Page Feedback – Flying Doctor’s Revenge

And another Medical! Charlotte balances the emotion and drama in an appealing way.

Dr Ethan … tossed the newspaper in the bin with the force of a baseball bat. Damn that family. Blazoned all over the front page, smiling like heroes but he knew the cold hard truth about them. If he ever had to meet one face to face he wasn’t sure he could restrain himself. Annie he said quietly to himself, a single tear trickled down his face. Ethan tried to shake her out of his head but she never left him. Absentmindedly twisting the gold wedding band around on his finger.

Come on Ethan get your mind back on the job, Ethan headed into the gents. Any mention of that family’s name got him so angry and flustered he could hardly think straight. He needed to splash his face with cold water before he exploded. The plane would be taking off soon and where the hell was the new nurse?

“Oh ‘scuse me,” said a pretty young nurse that he hadn’t seen around before. Ethan froze to the spot. Rarely did he see anything of such beauty in the men’s toilet.

“The ladies had no loo roll,” she smiled. It was one of those unforgettable smiles that instantly soothed his rage.

For the first time ever Ethan was out of words. “Erm, no worries.” He wandered over to the sinks. As he splashed his face he noticed her reflection still in the mirror, hovering by the door. “Can I help you with something?” he asked.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to stare, but you’re Dr. Ethan Vaughn aren’t you?”

“The one and only,” he smiled. “And you are?”

“I’m the new nurse. I’m joining you on your trip to the White Cliffs and I’m honoured to be working with such an amazing doctor. I’ve heard so much about you.”

Ethan never got bored of pretty women complimenting him, not that he would go there again.

“It’ll be good to have you with us…. Sorry I didn’t catch your name.”

“Oh sorry, I’m Kizzi. Kizzi Taylor.” She held her breath hoping she wouldn’t be caught out. This was something she was determined to do on her own without the backing of her family.

“Why don’t I give you a quick tour before we head for the plane?”

Kizzi smiled, “Sure lead the way Doc.”

A strong smell of citrus filled his nostrils, taking him back to happier times, she wore the same perfume as Annie had on their wedding day.

“I know this may be intrusive but what made you become a nurse?”

“I wanted to help people and get job satisfaction.”

Her reply didn’t surprise him most people who became doctors or nurses said
the same. “I bet your family are really proud of you.”
“Not really, they’re mad I didn’t join the family business.” Kizzi swallowed the lump that had rose in her throat. Just once she wanted them to be proud of her but they never were. She could never do anything right and that hurt.

First Page Feedback from the Medical Editors:

We really enjoyed reading your sample and feel you have set up an intriguing situation with plenty of promise for emotional conflict between your hero and your heroine. We like the fact that they are thrown together on a journey, as that will give rise for lots of opportunities for them to spend more time together then they perhaps might like!

We did wonder whether for a more dramatic beginning Ethan could walk into the men’s room and find Kizzi there. Perhaps he is reading the paper as he does so. There is an opportunity for humour here, so don’t be afraid to take it! 

We also feel perhaps you could look at Kizzi’s reaction to Ethan a little more. She can be dazzled and slightly overwhelmed by him, but maybe not say to his face that he’s amazing. It makes her appear a little gushing, when we want her to be a strong independent heroine, making her way in the world. 

Equally, Ethan enjoying being complimented by pretty women, makes him seem a bit arrogant, when we want to see his vulnerable caring side. With that in mind, it would be great to see his emotional reaction to his memories of Anne. Smell is very evocative, so Kizzi’s perfume could instantly transport him back to his wedding day, reminding him how he felt, how beautiful she was etc. 

We are presuming from the sample, that Kizzi’s family and “that family” are one and the same. If that is the case, you will need to give a credible reason why he doesn’t recognize her surname, and she isn’t more anxious about being found out. That said, this has great potential for emotional conflict, so if we’ve misread that situation it might be worth considering anyway! 

 

Well, meeting in the toilet will certainly be a good story to tell others! Good luck!

One reply on “First Page Feedback – Flying Doctor’s Revenge”

Thank you for the feedback eds x 🙂 hopefully my entry reflect the changes I could really see that it was confusing for the reader about her surname.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *