First Page Feedback – Secrets in the Stacks

JMH sent this in for Romantic Suspense. We do love librarian heroines–and maybe a hero, too? Or someone else?

Chapter One
“Ok Y chromosomes, where are you? Come to momma,” Delia said as she adjusted the corset, forcing her chest up to her chin.

“That looks terribly uncomfortable,” her colleague, and best friend, Jane said, while
sliding her glasses back up her nose.

Delia waved her hand in the air. “No actually it isn’t. This one is particularly easy to
move in compared…” Delia shifted a now panicked gaze from the guy canvassing she’d begun to Jane. Luckily Jane seemed oblivious to what Delia had almost let slip out. Jane was a sweet thing and a dear friend but she absolutely did not need to know how Delia spent her spare time.

Scanning Jane’s perfectly combed bob, her neat wire rimmed glasses, her baby blue sweater and pearls, Delia sat back in her chair and sighed.

Yeah, well even Jane had probably had an orgasm this decade. It had been three years
since she’d had one. It had been two years since she broke up with Ted. That information alone summed up their entire relationship. So tonight, Delia was aiming to fix that. Tonight she was hunting.

For a man.

Any man. He didn’t have to be attractive or sexy or hell even have hair, he just had to be
a man. “You know this was a costume party?”

This time Jane did look at her. She nodded.

“A steampunk theme to be exact.”Jane nodded again.

Delia waited but Jane apparently didn’t feel the need either to elaborate her reason for not
dressing up, or her thoughts on steampunk. Delia probably could’ve predicted both pretty
accurately. Jane was no mystery in any way. She was a straightforward, by the book, quiet
reserved librarian with a heart of gold and a terrible tendency to go mute whenever the opposite sex was around or when sex in general was mentioned. On second thought maybe Jane was also lacking in the orgasm department. What Delia did know was that while Jane seemed uncomfortable talking about all things sex, she had no problem reading about them. Delia found that out the day she accidently knocked Jane’s bag off the desk and out popped three books all shelved deep in the erotica collection of the library. Oh well, everyone was entitled to their secrets and Delia definitely had her fair share.

Shaking her head to clear all thoughts about Jane and erotica, she resumed glancing about
the ball room intent on finding a man. They were in Atlantic City, at a librarian’s convention and while she didn’t expect sparks or instant self-combustion, she did expect sex with someone. In her warped, orgasm deprived mind, she was owed. Three years was too damn long.

Her quick glance registered several men in attendance, two that looked very promising
but would require a closer inspection before selecting the winner. She may not have any
prerequisites other than a y chromosome but that didn’t mean she couldn’t choose the best y chromosome of the bunch.

First Page Feed back from Patience Bloom

This entry was entertaining and gave the reader a quick idea of central characters and the plot. My constructive criticism would be to provide a more detailed portrait of where they are at the beginning. I want to see the ballroom in Atlantic City. What does the steampunk themed party look like? Also, watch grammar mistakes (i.e. comma of direct address and capitalization). Through Delia’s eyes, the description of Jane provides nice details about her character; the reader can visualize her easily. This isn’t as true for Delia, the main character. I’d love just a hint more about her beyond her romantic dry spell, though her mission to get a man really shows the purpose of this beginning. She’s there for a purpose and we have the sense that it won’t go as planned. Overall, quite enjoyable to read.

Thanks, Patience & JMH! Could be an interesting hero. What hijinks and mystery could they get into at a librarian convention? In Atlantic City??? 🙂 

 

2 replies on “First Page Feedback – Secrets in the Stacks”

Patience, thank you so much for the valuable feedback. I will utilize it to strengthen my opening and allow the reader to get to know Delia, and her story, in more detail.

I really enjoy the voice in this first page. It draws me right in. Delia comes off as a spunky contrast to Jane. I’d keep reading to find out more about her! Nice job!

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